listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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