Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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