the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
