More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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