woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
