This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
