I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
