so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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