does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
