drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
