I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
