I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
