so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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