it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
