Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
