i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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