8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
