You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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