The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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