So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
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I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
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Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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