I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
