I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
