Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
