I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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