just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
