i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
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