I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Will exercising make me less horny?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
