I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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