My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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