Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
