So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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