He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
