Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
