I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
