Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
