Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
