I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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