went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
