Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
