I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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