I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
