im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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