dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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