Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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