so explain again why im purple
no
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize