i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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