last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
