i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
