yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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