Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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