Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
