i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
