Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dick very happy bro
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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