somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
