I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I love having hate sex.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
