oh god the rape fog is back!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
