I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
