omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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