Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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