Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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