she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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