My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
