its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
